The Delta Squad was an elite group of highly trained and well-equipped Republic clone commandos, led by commando Boss. Like most Clone Commando squads, Delta squad was especially renowned for its skilled and highly trained members. They were often called on to perform dangerous combat missions that standard clones could not handle.
Xd honestly this is way better than my first attempt at writing. Little grammar tip, though: Start a new line with each dialogue:'Let's go home Deltas.' Boss said and enters the ship with the others except for Scorch who waits outside for Twilight. The unicorn looks back and see Canterlot and PonyVille with boiling anger. 'Buck Equestria.' She said with venom and malice and boards the ship with Scorch. Once they boarded the ship, it slowly lifts into the air and takes off to the sky and towards to space.
A few minutes past as Twilight looks out of the window and sees her homeplanet which amazed her and sees the stars the stars shining brightly through the void of space. 'Its beautiful.' 'Hyperdrive is ready sir.' Hit it Fixer.' Boss anwsered and Fixer hits the hyperdrive thus sending the frieghter through the void of space. But little did Twilight know a new bond of friendship and family has been created.I may be wrong on when to create a new line in terms of having action, though.
I don't know if making a new line is for both action and dialogue or just dialogue (I use both, xd). 'Men, here is where we show those dumb, squid-headed sons-a-bitches that they could not have picked a worse enemy than the 35th Marine Corps! We are going to blow the hell out of those dumb clankers until we don't have anything to shoot them with, and then we will rip their heads from their circuits and toss 'em into the scrapheap LAUGHING! Am I right, marines?' 'Sir, yes Sir!' Damn right I am. Now move it out!
'That's right you mothers! Johnson shoutedXD That was a Halo references! With stories, it is generally accepted that you type in full past tense.
Compare this:The Super Battle droid sees a squad on clone troopers coming in. It aims it's cannon and shoots out a grenade which explode on contact thus killing most of the squad while those were lucky were killed by the B1s blaster fire. One of trooper corspe landed infront of Twilight causing her to shriek.to this:The Super Battle droid saw a squad of troopers arriving. It aimed its cannon and shot a grenade, exploding on contact and killing most of the squad, aside from those who were lucky were killed by the B1s blaster fire. A clone's charred corpse landed in-front of Twilight, causing her to shriek.There, the mistakes are fixed up and it generally flows better. Learn to use the comma, and don't care about word count as long as the story flows well.
Also use some descriptive words, and the story will feel more alive. Do a similar thing to the whole story or get a Beta Reader. Good luck writing. Very good so far. Only a few mods and it would be great:1.) Slow down.It started off with Twilight being banished for an unknown reason, to her being rescued by Delta Squad (for whatever reasons for being there), to her joining them and flying away into space with only a good-hearted, 'Buck all y'all!'
A slower plot build up is really good for these kinds of stories.2.) Break up the dialogue.A bunch of the dialogue between multiple characters was included in the same paragraph, which makes it harder for one to keep track of who's talking. Starting a new paragraph for each new speaker would fix this, no problem.All-in-all, it was not bad, and has a lot of potential. Republic Commando was one of my most favorite games growing up, and am excited to see someone write a crossover for it, and it's not bad, considering it being your first story and all.I love the idea, and you can make this work with some adjustments, so keep it up!P.S. Delta Squad are clones, so Sev wouldn't have a mother, if you don't count the lab-coats on Kamino anyway. This story makes me want to smack you in the face with my fuckin keyboard! The idea is somewhat solid. The execution is bad.
Star Wars Republic Commando Delta Squad
The pacing is bad. While I read this, I feel like I'm playing a new Call of Duty game. I look at it and say 'Oh hey! A new Call of Duty! Let's hope it redeems itself and is as good as the first two!' But end up being left high and dry. Star Wars, in my opinion, is the absolute fucking shit that will forever be adored and Republic Commandos was one of my favorite fucking games!
I kick myself in the ass for not buying any of the novels. I look at the Star Wars series and see a well thought out universe that is near flawless.
Star Wars Republic Commando Art
I look at Republic Commando and get all nostalgic about the good times I had playing the campaign and facing my brother in a 1v1 local multiplayer. Don't get me wrong, I like the story- fuck, it's worth the likes it gets! It just comes short in the aspect of it trying to be a Star Wars crossover fanfic with MLP. But all that is in my opinion so to shorten all this down to something simpler, not saying you're stupid and need things dumbed down, I really like the fic and what you're trying to do.
Except for bringing in Sergeant Avery Johnson from Halo, fuck you for doing that.